Well, I've moved and I have to say it was the most awful experience I've had in a very long time. How do you squeeze what you've collected for eighteen years in a four bedroom house of 2200 sq. ft. into a two bedroom apartment of 1029 sq ft.? I've decided to unpack only what I need on a day-to-day basis. I know that sounds like wishful thinking, and it is. However, all the frilly stuff such as my teddy bear collection, good dishes, and my mother's crystal, will remain in boxes in storage. I don't have the room to entertain more than a couple of people at any given time (a good thing?) but coming from a large family, I'll never host Christmas dinner here.
Since I am planning another move in about a year, I have decided that I will learn from this experience and just decorate with disposables, so to speak. I'll put out pictures and such, but not all of them and just fill the shelves with current reading material and candles (I really like candles) which I will burn before I leave this humble abode and NOT keep them for years because they're fancy. I have come to the realization that they are enjoyed more when they are lit than when they are just sitting there collecting dust.
I've also learned not to collect so much junk. Throw away all those old magazines that I will never have the time to read. I have also donated children's clothing that I have hung on to for years with the intent to have a garage sale. No, I never had the time to do that, either.
This has been a life-changing experience for me in many ways and now that I can say I've hit bottom, I will slowly but very confidently climb my way up once again. Maybe I should explain a little.
Eighteen years ago I made a huge mistake and married a man whom I thought at the time was wonderful. I later found out he was cheating on me. I gave him one year to make up his mind whether or not to work on our marriage. Although he said he had stopped seeing her, I found out he had not and the lies just kept on coming. So, I took a stand and had the locks changed on the house. Turned out to be one of the best things I could have done for myself.
I continued to live in our house until just recently as I wanted to stay until my daughter graduated from high school. He agreed with me and me, my son and daughter stayed. However, when my daughter was in her senior year, my son, who is the eldest, was in a very serious car accident. I received one of those phone calls that every mother fears. It took him fours years to recover and it left me financially destitute. You see, I had co-signed the car loan (I advise every parent against this, no matter how much you love your children) and wait, it gets worse. My estranged husband had cancelled the insurance unbeknownst to either myself or my son. You see where I am going with this. My son had just embarked on his career as an electrictian and was days, yes, days away from qualifying for benefits which would have included medical insurance. Yep, that's right, no car insurance, no medical insurance. A nightmare? Most definitely.
Now I am one of four daughters taking care of my elderly parents. My father is 92 and although feeble and dealing with a body that is falling apart and a mind that gets confused easily, is still being the stubborn man I always knew as my father. I love him dearly. My mother is 89 and fighting lung, liver, and colon cancer with a vengence. She has been on chemo for everyother week since October '08.
My family is not a stranger to cancer. I have one sister who is a breast cancer survivor, a brother who is a prostate cancer survivor, another sister who survived cervical cancer, and sadly my oldest sister, Geri (second from right), who is fighting for her life right now with lung and brain cancer and has gone downhill so much within the last month that she is expected to lose the battle very soon. I spent some time with her and my parents today and was heart-wrenched to see her in such pain. Her oncologist is sure it has again metastasized to yet another area but will not put her through endless tests to find out where. He said at this point it is a quality of life issue. She does not have years, she does not have months, she has weeks. I cannot fathom what she is going through and pray to God that she goes quickly and painlessly. She has her loving husband at her side at all times and as I spoke with him today, he told me that although she becomes increasingly uncomfortable as the day goes on, she did not want to leave my parent's house because she knew it was probably the last time she will see them, as my parents are not very mobile. I left there knowing this was probably true and did not want to intrude on those private moments when they say goodbye. I will be able to see her again soon, hopefully, but my parents will not.
We, just two days ago, found out this distressing news about the drastic change in her condition. My father decided he wanted all the family contacted and to gather for a prayer night. It's amazing what was accomplished in 24 hours. Yes, all of us were there with the exception of only two that live out of California, and Geri, who was unable to attend, but not because she didn't want to, but her condition became the barrier. From my parents all the way down to the great grandchildren, all were there. We raised our voices in prayer knowing that what we all wanted would take a miracle. but praying for that miracle, nonetheless.
I know she will be welcomed into the arms of Christ, himself, and believe she will be happier there. She will not miss us because she will always be with us stll. We will miss her but I know she will be just on the other side and will visit us often. I wonder what signs she will give me as to her presence; the typical ones such as butterflies or pennies? I find myself wallowing in the sadness already. What I should be doing is celebrating the wonderful childhood we had together. Geez, she's not gone yet and with any luck and the grace of God, my other sisters and I will be having a very nice breakfast (her favorite meal) together this coming Friday. I'll let you know how that turns out.
I am sorry for this one being such a downer, but this all being said, there is nowhere to go but up. May God bless you all and thanks for letting me vent.
